I Live to Die
by rei-chan921
Summary: Tokito hates his history teacher, he curses a lot, he sleeps, and kinda gets a glimpse of the future. The story is screwed, and so are the characters, lotsa cursing, a bit yaoi, and, that's just about it,


I Live to Die By: Yamada Reiko rei_chan  
  
Chapter: the first of one  
  
Rei_chan's words: hey, to the one or two or three people reading this crap, thank you. Thanks a lot, for spending time to read this rueful excuse for a fic. I'm so alone, and I'm so depressed, I don't know what to do. Let's just see what Tokito thinks when he's alone and depressed. I altered their character a bit. Yup, they'll be acting sappy. And Tokito's gonna be the bad disrespectful kid with no apparent respectable upbringing. am I degrading him tooooo much? Oh yeah, if you don't like swearing or yaoi, please don't read these. And if you kinda like this, um, thing, please. Review. Oh yeah. This crap is dedicated to Yu_chan. Hey vampire girl, look for that finger thing you said when you were sleepy.  
  
* Hajimemasu *  
  
Tokito slammed the door to his room shut.  
  
What do they know? They're not the ones in my shoes.  
  
Tokito Minoru just came home from school, after being scolded by his History teacher after arriving late for class for the umpteenth time.  
  
"I'll tell Matsumoto-kun to remove you from the Executive Committee to relieve you of your duties. I believe, by then, that you won't be late for my class anymore. If you were like Kubota-kun, always punctual, then I wouldn't have any complaints. Tokito, erase the board for our lecture to begin," reiterated Tokito, imitating the ancient, creaky voice and hunched posture their History teacher had. "Ch. Like he could do anything. Matsumoto just couldn't do without me.  
  
"Stupid old teacher. Why the friggin' hell doesn't he just drop dead? He should be buried six feet under the ground by now," Tokito whined childishly, as he sat on his bed, turning the TV on and changing the channels faster than you can blink.  
  
"As if I haven't had enough. Idiotic, moronic teacher. * Yawn * Fuck you. Fuck you. * Yawn * Fuck you." The room began to fade into darkness as the sandman began to weigh down his eyelids. He landed on his pillow with a decisive thud.  
  
"Fuck you. Eh? Where the damn hell am I? I am in deep shit." Tokito looked around, and saw nothing but unbounded obscurity. "Wonderful. Just wonderful. Damn it, I can't even see my own fingers. How many fingers do I have? I see a lot of fingers. Wow, I didn't know I had these much fingers," Tokito uttered to himself, as he raised his hands in front of his eyes, and saw nothing but hallucinations caused by the duskiness, and maybe the lack of sleep as well.  
  
He heard a vague sound, "What's that? Hmm, a bleary tinkle of, um, a bell, probably," enunciated Tokito, as an indistinct light began to illuminate in a distance.  
  
"Okay, first my ears play tricks on me, then I begin to see things. What's with this friggin' place, anyway? I'm fucking screwed." He tried to turn around to look, but saw nothing, like before.  
  
"Hell, how on heaven or earth did I get here, anyway. Fucking hell. I damn hate it here. Fuck. I can't even see my own hands. The hands that made the winning shot at basketball games. The hands that beat Ootsuka and his pack to a bloody pulp. The hands that would pop an endless amount of potato chips into my mouth. The hands that would hold the babes during dates, making them melt at the lightest palpate. The hands that would determine the equilibrium of justice and peace in Araiso Private High. The hands, the hands that I could see?!?"  
  
Confusion crossed his face, as he noticed that he could see his hands, arms, and whole body. Though Tokito was able to see himself, he could not see wherever he was. He began to walk, not knowing where his feet would take him. After moments of treading, he noticed two books, lying on what seemed to be a floor. He hurried to its' side, kneeling beside it. He opened the one propped on top of the other, and began skimming it. Its contents surprised him, judging by the gasp that accidentally escaped his lips. In a familiar handwriting, diary entries were inscribed.  
  
The thirty-first of December, two thousand and ten  
  
It has been years since Tokito stayed up with me this late to wait for the New Year. We would drink 'till we were all tipsy and saw double. But that wouldn't stop him from getting all excited. He would perform his annual New Year dance, and curse like there was no tomorrow whenever he bumped into something or whenever he tripped. Ano baka. After the last seconds of the year ticked off, he would slip off to sleep, curl up like a fetus or just plop onto the couch and snore, and snore, and snore, and snore. I remember the last time like it was yesterday. We started at nine o'clock at the EC office, having a couple of beers with Murota the rest of the clique, Katsuragi-chan getting besotted after just a few sips. Tokito laughed his heart out, and had beer coming out of his nose. By eleven we went back home, had a few (meaning a lot) beers and Tokito began his traditional New Year ceremony. He began to sing the Most Popular Song of the year, one found out through his own survey: he would go around the school when December began, and ask every single student. That idiot. Then began his New Year dance, the one he made up when we had our first New Year together. He hit the television, setting it at an odd angle. Then Tokito tripped over the pile of empty beer cans he discarded, and toppled over the couch, landing on top of me, who was sitting on it. Instead of cursing the furniture, he began to laugh, such a sweet, rich laughter, one I would remember 'till I was old. Tokito tried to sit up, but failed miserably, and ended up making me lie beside him. Once again laughter filled the room, the enchanting sound ringing in my ears. He looked up and reached for my head, which was distanced by a few inches. He gave me a light peck on the cheek, brought his mouth close to my ear, and whispered, "Happy New Year, lovely Kubo-chan," then dozed off alongside me. I watched his lithe body adjacent to mine, his chest rising and falling at a steady rhythm as his breathing. Then I whispered into his ear, "Happy New Year, my beauty Tokito." And I fell asleep, holding his head close to my chest. Now I can't even talk to him properly, without him stuttering nonsense about being left alone and being betrayed. He only comes out of his room for a meal or two a day, and a few times a week for a shower. I just wonder what he does, all alone in his room. I see his pain whenever I'm near him. I just want to hug him and say that everything was all right, that I would be there for him, that I would never leave him. If only I had been there for him when he had his petty moping sessions, I could have eased the pain that accumulated over the years, and he would not have ended up like this. I wish I could have been the wiser back then. I wish I could go back in time. I want to have my Tokito back.  
  
The first of January, two thousand and eleven  
  
I checked his room this morning and found no one. I saw a note on top of his pillow saying that he was going to leave, that he was just a burden, and that I should not go looking for him. I sat down on his bed and cried, something that I did not do for a long while. It was all my fault, if I wasn't so stupid back then, if I hadn't been the inconsiderate jerk I was back then, if I cared more about him back then. I don't know what to do know. I wonder where Tokito is. Does he have a roof over his head? Did he bring enough clothes? Did he eat his dinner yet? Or is he out in the cold, tired and hungry? I want to try not to think about it, but it worries me greatly. Where are you, Tokito? Come back to me, Tokito. I want to have my beauty Tokito back.  
  
Tokito was startled by what he had read. "Kubo-chan. I, I didn't know. all this while I thought it was just a joke." He picked up the other book and began reading it. It was another familiar scribble that greeted him.  
  
12-30-2010  
  
Just a mirror of self-hate. This is my favorite past time. I like to be depressed. Fake smiles, hollowed laughter, and an empty joke. All these cover my depression perfectly. My infamous perpetual smile plastered all over my face from the moment I wake up to the time I go to my room for bed is nothing but a fraud. All those sweet words that escape my lips hide my true intention. I do not wish to hurt anybody, all I want is to make myself suffer. all my life I longed to be loved. To be cared for. To be remembered. Hate, anger. I began to get used to it. Loneliness, deceit. I began to like it. Empty promises, lies. I began to want it. Pain, suffering. I began to need it. Friends. Who needs them when they don't sincerely accept you, when they hide their true feelings, when they deceive you. I'd rather live alone and be alone than to be with a bunch of idiots who don't really like me. Not that some of my friends now are swindlers, Kubo-chan is nice, actually, but I have met a few morons. Hunger. It makes me less depressed. So even if I'm in my gloomy mood, I eat. Just enough to survive. Why do I live? I don't know. To make myself suffer? To experience pain and hurt? Who knows. Maybe I live to die. Alone.  
  
01-01-2011  
  
It's really early today. I just wrote a note to Kubo-chan. I'm leaving. Goodbye.  
  
Now Tokito was really astounded. He new the handwriting was his, and he didn't know that he would be mentally unstable because of his tantrums. "Okay, so my little childish acts could get me so fucking screwed for life. Okay, so what happens to me, I die?" just as those words escaped his mouth, the dark that engulfed the whole of him earlier flooded him once more.  
  
"Just what I fucking need. Another blackout. Shit. I am in deep shit. Whattemigonnado, whattemigonnado. I am so fucking screwed. Stupid, fucking diary. I didn't even say a single fuck or damn, or even just a little shit. That was so outta character. Oh well. So much for gettin' outta this place," expressed Tokito, as he sat down in the dark. "Shit. It's so damn cold. What the fucking hell." Tokito tried to look around but saw nothing. Then a cold wind began to blow, making Tokito feel much more uncomfortable. He closed his eyes, as the cold zephyr began to make his eyes sting.  
  
When the gust began to subside, Tokito opened his eyes. Instead of the dimness he was accustomed to, a bright fluorescent light blinded him temporarily. Once his vision began to focus, he noticed that he was back in his room. "Like what the fucking hell?"  
  
"Eh?" said Kubota, who sat beside his bed, a puzzled expression crossing his face. He put his cigarette out, and had an unlighted one being flicked from finger to finger. "Hey, are you okay? I mean you were asleep when I first checked, and you were literally hollering curses in your sleep so I thought I'd check you out."  
  
"Yeah, I'm okay, dude. Kubo-chan, will you be here for me? Forever?"  
  
"Yes, why?"  
  
"Just promise me. I don't wanna be alone anymore," stated Tokito, almost at the verge of tears.  
  
"Alone? Tokito, I will always be here. You are not alone anymore," said Kubota, with a warm smile on his lips.  
  
"Ku-Kubo-chan!" And with that, Tokito glomped Kubota, sending them both to the floor. Instead of cursing, Tokito just laughed, the sweet, rich laughter that Kubota would probably remember for eternity.  
  
"Heh. I don't live to die. I live to eat, sleep, beat the crap outta Ootsuka and his gang, and to make the rest of that crappy old teacher's life miserable. And to date and to seduce some babes." Tokito grinned, still on top of Kubota.  
  
"Hey, beauty Tokito. You might wanna gerrophff." Kubota was silenced as Tokito pressed his lips against his own.  
  
* owari *  
  
rei_chan says: hello, everybody. Ikaga desu ka? Genki desu ka? Yay! Yaoi rules! Thanks for reading, please review. Thank you. 


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